


I Won't Let You Go

by Mamogirl



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: Angst, Brian swears a lot, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Voice Problems Angst, tw: implied thoughst of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:40:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22960342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mamogirl/pseuds/Mamogirl
Summary: "Somehow, Brian knew, he was going to find his place, whether it was still singing or doing something else with his life.As long as Nick would never let him go."
Relationships: Nick Carter/Brian Littrell
Comments: 3
Kudos: 15





	I Won't Let You Go

I Won’t Let You Go

_Open up your heart to me now_ _  
_ _Let it all come pouring out_ __  
_There's nothing I can't take_ _  
_ _\- I Won’t Let You Go, James Morrison -_

It had been a strange night.

It had been a strange show and, in hand sight, Brian could see the reason why that night had never felt right since the beginning. Show after show, night after night, Brian had felt something starting to lose its power and its light: what he thought could have been the perfect therapy, keeping the train going because that was the only way he had ever knew, had turned out to be a slow falling into a spiral and it was difficult, almost impossible, to see a light in the end.

What the hell he had been thinking?

That show had been the weirdest, as though as his mind and body knew it was going to be his last and hadn’t want to forget every single detail. Every single negative detail, as though he had been part of the audience, observing that broken voice trying to make it through routine and notes that once had been flawless.

Who was he kidding? Who was he trying to fool? Not the fans, with those looks of sadness and pity every time his voice would break and he could barely let out a sound. Not the other guys, who kept looking at him as if they wanted to pick him up and take him as far away as possible from that stage. Not Nick, who Brian was trying so hard not to look at because he knew he couldn’t bear to see pity coming from him.

Who he was trying to fool if not himself?

That had been the night when he had realized that he couldn’t go on like that. He couldn’t keep acting as if that thing, that thing that had taken control over his life, wasn’t real. It was. It was too much real and, if he couldn’t find a way to fix it, maybe it was time to let the curtain down on him.

It was the only one thing left to do.

It was the only thing that he could do to protect everyone around him, to let them soar as they were supposed to instead than being ruined and tainted by someone... by someone like him. And, in a strange and weird way, it was the only thing that could bring him some sort of peace and calm.

And it was with that calm that Brian had gone back to their hotel room and started packing up his things. He knew he didn’t have much time before the after party would be over and Nick would be there, trying to make him change his mind. And, if he had to be honest, Brian didn’t want Nick to be there as he was leaving what had been half of his life behind. He didn’t want to see his heart breaking, alongside with his own. He just want to slip away quietly, firmly believing that no one was going to miss him. 

It was better this way.

“What the hell are you doing?”

The voice startled Brian, making him jump because he had never thought that someone would try to follow him. But he should had known that Nick, of all people, would sense that something was off. Brian would have done the same thing, had their roles been turned around.

“What do you think I’m doing?”

“We have another show tomorrow.”

“You have another show. I don’t have one anymore.” It hurt to say those last words. It hurt to think that there wasn’t going to be another curtain call, that thrill of seeing hundreds of people cheering and waving just for them. It hurt to think that he was never going to be back up there, doing what he had loved doing since he had been born.

But life wasn’t always fair.

“What the fuck are you saying?”

“I’m leaving.”

“No.”

“You can’t stop me.”

“Oh, just let me try.”

“Nick... come on. We both know it was bound to happen sooner or later.”

“Yes, when we are so old that we can barely walk. And you’re still too young for that to happen.”

“Well, I haven’t predicted my voice would be that screwed over. I have no other choices but this.”

“There are other choices.”

“Then tell me cause I’ve done all that I could thought and it wasn’t still enough.”

“I’m not letting you quit. Not like this.”

“It’s not up to you, Nick. And it’s for the best.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it.”

“Bullshit is thinking that I could go through an entire tour with... – Brian shrugged, defeat and disappointment written all over his face, all over his body language. – well, with no voice at all.”

He had never sounded so defeated. He had never looked so... small. So weighed down by pressure and responsibilities. And that tug, that push that had made Nick following Brian after the show, was now much stronger and more intense. Because something very wrong was about to happen and Nick knew that he would never be able to forgive himself if... Nick kicked that thought out of his mind, not even wanting to dwell or give it too much importance and attention. He wasn’t going to let it happen.

He wasn’t going to fail. Again.

“It’s just a bad night, that’s all. Don’t do something so drastic just because...”

“What? Just because I sound like shit and it’s not going to get better? Just because you think that I don’t really care about what people have been saying about me? Because I fucking do!”

The last sentence should have been shouted, screamed at the top of Brian’s lungs but it turned out to be just another struggle. Just another reminder that his illness wasn’t just affecting his job but his life, every little second of it. 

And that was an aspect that no one, not even those people that were around him all the time and still couldn’t see how that illness, how that disease had basically changed his whole life and turned into a living hell.

“I know you care. But you shouldn’t listen to them. They don’t...”

“They don’t know? They fucking do. And they are right. I can’t be on stage.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“It’s not. It’s true. I can barely manage one song, I can’t go through this whole setlist every single night.”

“You just need a break. That’s all.” 

“You think that a break is going to help me? - A bitter laugh escaped Brian’s lips, his eyes glimmering with sparks of a fire that Nick had longed to see them back. Maybe there was still hope and not all was lost. - You really don’t understand.”

“Then let me. Then make me understand!”

“A break from singing isn’t going to help. It isn’t going to fix anything, Nick. This... - Brian pointed his finger against his throat, there where his vocal chords were fighting against those muscles so focused on destroying them. - This is something that I have to deal with every single fucking day. Whether I’m singing or not. Do you have a fucking idea on how much it fucking hurts?”

“I don’t. You’re right, I don’t. But..”

“But what? What, Nick? You’re going to sit next to me and be my voice? Do you know how fucking embarrassing it is? Do you know how fucking ashamed I am that I can even barely talk with my son anymore because I know this fucking voice is going to break in the middle of a word? Fuck, Nick. - There was an underlying anger rounded around Brian’s voice, or at least what was left after two hours of fighting and forcing. It still hurt to talk, it still hurt to swallow that bile that kept rising up with every images from that night, every single note that had been broken when it had always soared up like perfection. Under the pain, under the shame and the embarrassment, Brian was angry. So damn angry. And so damn tired. So fucking tired. - I can’t. I can’t do it anymore.”

Nick didn’t know what Brian meant. Nick didn’t know if he was talking about the tour, the group or something more drastic and destructive. At that point, though, it really didn’t matter at all. It only mattered that Nick had to stop him.

“You’re right, Bri. I don’t know who it feels and I wish I could...” Nick couldn’t even finish what he was about to say because another laugh, this time so broken and raspy that made him wince unconsciously and regretfully. Brian was right. Nick had thought that by simply taking him away from the stage, from the look of fans and critics, things would be get better in a blink of an eye.

How stupid he had been.

“Don’t. It’s not time for your cheesy and too much dramatic scenes.”

“Okay, that was cheesy. But it’s true, because no one wants and loves to see his loved one hurting and suffering like this. Because no one loves to see their other half almost ready to quit. And you don’t quit. Ever.”

“Well, maybe it’s time I just accept that...”

“Are you even listening to yourself? Do you realize what you are saying?”

Nick couldn’t accept that version of Brian standing in front of him. Just like he hadn’t been able to accept it a year before, in that damn discussion where he had tried so hard to shake the older man because… well, because Nick had been scared. Utterly afraid to see those signs of depression bearing down someone he had always thought strong and unbreakable like a rock.

Why didn’t he see it before?

They let him doing this to himself. They let him dealing with all of that, sure and confident that Brian could beat and defeat whatever force was being thrown at him. They believed his words, they drank his confidence about being able to bear a whole new tour: why wouldn’t they? He was so upbeat about it, he had been so determined to show everyone, and maybe himself too, that he could just get along even if he wasn’t at the top. Didn’t this matter? Did it matter if he couldn’t hit all those notes when he still could make people smile and feel like they were living the best night of their lives?

How they had been wrong. How Nick had been wrong. He had let Brian slip away, slip under and under that darkness that he had once met too.

Why didn’t he do anything?

Although that wasn’t the entire truth. They had tried to help Brian: they cheered at every good day, hushing and whispering how things could actually go back to the way it had always meant to be; they supported him on those bad nights that seemed to throw everyone under the bus, taking away parts of the excitement because all of them were worried. That’s all they did, though. They didn’t press when Brian started to pull away from the group, hiding from what he might had thought were glances full of accusation and shame; they looked away when Brian’s once eyes full of life started to turn into gray clouds, lifeless shadows that even the show’s lights couldn’t deny anymore.

Why didn’t Nick do anything?

Nick couldn’t answer that question and regrets started to pile up and shape themselves in the form of a ghost standing by his side: maybe a part of himself had wanted to punish Brian, letting him suffer alone they way Brian had let Nick alone when he had needed him the most.

Was he so cruel?

Or, maybe, Nick had still hadn’t understood that it was something that it couldn’t be fixed like his or Aj’s past troubles with addictions. It wasn’t the same thing, although there were some resemblances because both had been born from monsters and dragons that had lived within their minds and souls without anyone noticing them. Those ghosts had been deprived of attention and, when they couldn’t resist being silenced anymore, they had struck their most powerful weapons. But while Nick and Aj had been able to rise from their fall, like a prophetic phoenix they had been born again from their ashes, stronger than before, Brian had been burnt in a way that it seemed impossible to recover.

Or, maybe, Nick was just finding out that he and Brian had always had another thing in common: they were broken and, maybe, that was the reason why they fit together so perfectly.

“I do realize what I’m saying. I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t fight anymore. I don’t have it in me anymore.”

“I’m not letting you do this.”

Both knew that they weren’t talking about the tour, the singing and the group anymore. The shift had been invisible, untouchable. But it twisted inside Nick’s gut, forcing up a fear that he had never wanted to feel when it came to the older man. There was another battle going on, a fight that Nick had known first hand and he would be damned if he was going to let Brian, that broken and almost defeated ghost of Brian, to win.

“Please... - Brian begged in a broken sound. - ... Nick, please.”

Brian couldn’t fight anymore. It didn’t seem worth it, it didn’t seem enough because there was always going to be a broken note that he would never be able to reach anymore; because there would always going to be seconds, minutes or whole days when he wouldn’t be able to talk, make him being understand and respected the way he had always been before.

And Brian didn’t want to drag the group down with him.

Brian didn’t want to drag Nick down with him.

Wasn’t that what it meant to love someone, to protect them from every little thing that may hurt them?

Nick didn’t seem to listen to Brian’s prayer and dared to take a step closer to him. Brian, in return, took a step back, as if he was afraid to be so close. As if he knew that, with Nick so close to him, he wouldn’t have the strength to fight back.

“I can’t. You did the same for me. You didn’t let me quit.”

Another step closer. Another step back. It seemed like a dance, a complicated yet simple series of steps that held too much importance and meaning. One step closer. One step back but the walls seemed to walk along with Nick, closing down as if they also didn’t want to let their prisoner out of their hands.

“Please. Let me go.”

Brian had never begged. Brian had never been reduced to beg someone that hadn’t been part of his prayers: oh, he had begged God so many times to give him the strength to fight that battle; he had begged God to give him back his voice, otherwise why had he been spared so many years before? But he had never begged someone else, too pride to surrender his soul to someone else and let them see how weak and frail he had become.

But maybe this didn’t matter anymore when the one facing him was the one that was already holding his heart.

“No.”

Another step but now there was nowhere else to run. Brian’s back hit the wall and defeat hit him like a ton of bricks. His head hung down, tears already preparing themselves to let finally be seen and heard. His hands closed in tight fists, nails digging in the skin, He wasn’t going to be defeated. He wasn’t going to be closed down, although any fight had already left his battered soul.

“You have to.”

Arms came around the small frame and, for a moment, Brian thought that letting go could meant something else: letting go could mean letting himself be held and comforted, as he had never let himself before; letting go could mean letting someone else held his weight while he recovered some strength for the next around of that never ending war.

“I won’t. Kevin, Aj, Howie... they won’t let you go. We won’t let you go. - Nick tightened up his arms around Brian, his hands standing firmly on his back. - I won’t let you go.” His lips brushed Brian’s ear, a soft breath that almost made Brian weep in relief. He wanted to hold on to those words, he longed to believe that he hadn’t have to go through that all by himself. A part of Brian still wanted to fight those words, still wanted to reply how it was all so useless. How he was so useless, how his situation was beyond repair. But love was that funny thing that, when broken down and buried under the weight of something too big for just two shoulders, came up stronger and more powerful, offering a shield where to hide while licking up bruises and taking time to heal. And rest, because it didn’t mean that the fight was over: oh no, it just meant that it was all going to be paused so that he could find his strength once again.

And, inside Nick’s embrace full of love and compassion, Brian found himself taking a deep breath for the first time. His fingers gripped Nick’s shirt, holding for support and waiting for the emotional storm to finally start ranging out: tears that had been buried were now free, offering shadows of a pain that hurt more than Nick would ever thought it was possible, because he didn’t know how he would be able to stop them. So he held Brian a little tighter. So fingertips started to trace paths and circles, soothing silent words that didn’t want to stop that storm that had been waiting for its solace for too much.

“You don’t know what you’re getting yourself in.” 

“Oh well. - Nick chucked, almost cheering when he saw a small smile curving Brian’s lips. - It’s not like I have other options.”

“You have. - Brian replied, almost whispered because there was nothing left in his voice. - You can let go.”

“That’s not possible, and you wanna know why?”

“I feel like I should be bursting out in singing _“tell me why”_ but it’s going to sound like shit.”

Nick would have objected, for Brian would never sound shit to him, but he knew now that Brian didn’t need being coddled anymore. He knew now that some good words weren’t going to fix whatever needed to be repaired. So he replied with the only answer he knew would win over any other objection and rejections Brian still could have. “Because I love you.”

Brian didn’t reply. He couldn’t reply, everything he had had diminished and only Nick’s arms were managing to hold him up. He didn’t want to think about what he had been about to do, hadn’t it been for Nick following and stopping him in time. It was a scary feeling but it was almost too much terrifying how he hadn’t been that afraid, as if it wouldn’t take that much of courage to slip away and be forgotten. But he felt it in Nick’s body, he felt it in the way even his body was shivering, trying to fight that thought that was still hanging between them.

Standing on his tiptoes, Brian erased the distance between his and Nick’s face and kissed his lips. At first the kiss wanted to be gently and tender but it soon tapped inside that desperation and needed to be that close, to be able to speak without having to rely on a voice that couldn’t be used anymore.

But that didn’t matter.

Somehow, Brian knew, he was going to find his place, whether it was still singing or doing something else with his life.

As long as Nick would never let him go. 

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know why it happens.  
> I don't know why I keep writing this angst (I mean, I know why and that's because there is no else and someone has to take this job, right? lol). But what I mean is that I don't know why I'm so inspired to write this angst when Brian is actually doing good lol   
> I guess it's my way of showing love and support?  
> Or, maybe, I just love hurting and making him cry lol 
> 
> (And wait for what I'm planning lol)


End file.
